Abandoned for an Elvis Impersonator
by The Flying Moose
Summary: PreHPB. In a fit of mad, passionate love, Ron and Hermione run away from Hogwarts and get married somewhere, possibly in Vegas. Leaving poor Harry with no one to turn to but Ginny. Idea from the OrangeCrush website.
1. Screaming, Fainting and Sputtering

Chapter One: Screaming, Fainting and Sputtering.

At the moment, everything was peaceful. Harry had defeated Voldemort over Easter break. It was a most ingenious tactic. Most others believed Voldemort's weakness was love, but Harry thought that that was too obvious. Turned out he was right. Voldemort's downfall was his intolerance of annoying-ness Harry killed Voldie by trapping the antagonist in an abnormally large seashell. Eventually the sound of the sea caused him to spontaneously combust!

One lovely day Harry was sitting, quietly, in his favorite squishy overstuffed armchair next to the fireplace reading a delightful book about hitchhiking and not panicking. He was alone in the common room, which is the way Harry liked best. Unfortunately his serenity was abruptly interrupted by an odd and alarming sound.

()Wham()moan()stumble()moan()thud()moan()growl()moan 'What in the name of Zeus' Bollocks??' Harry thought to himself as he hastily glanced around the room for the source of the offending noise. He was utterly distraught when he found it, or rather, them. There, in front of his eyes, plastered to the far wall, were his two best friends who were, in turn, plastered to each other.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Harry screamed. This caused Hermione to open her eyes to see Harry. Taking her fingers out of Ron's tousled hair she waved to her platonic friend while snogging her other friend. Harry caught a glimpse of something shiny on Hermione's ring finger. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Screamed Harry and promptly fainted.

* * *

"Do you think he's ok?" Ron asked. 

"I dunno. He looks kinda pale and green." Hermione replied

"Wonder what caused that?" Ginny pondered aloud. Ron and Hermione gave each other sheepish grins and proceeded to continue with their earlier ministrations. "Never mind," Ginny said seeing all this happen out of the corner of her eye, "I don't want to know."

Slowly Harry's eyes opened. Seeing Ron and Hermione sucking face was probably not a good idea. I would go as far as to say that it was a bad idea. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHmph!!!!!" Ginny covered his mouth as all the screaming was giving her a headache.

"Ok! You," Ginny pointed at Harry, "Stop screaming," He did, "And you two," She pointed at Ron and Hermione. "Come up for air then let your lips rest." They did so, but not without protest.

"I wouldn't tell you to stop if you were making out with your partner." Ron mumbled in a childish manner.

"Yes you would! Don't even try that on me." Ginny said indignantly. "So someone explain to me what's going on!" Someone in the background begins to sing, "Oy! Shut it!"

"Well," Harry started as his skin began losing it's green. "I was sitting in my favorite squishy armchair reading a delightful book on hitchhikers, when I heard the oddest and most alarming noise. I glanced around the room and to my dismay saw that it was Ron and Hermione making out on the wall!!"

"So you screamed." Ginny stated.

"Yes! Hermione must have noticed because she opened her eyes and waved at me."

"And you fainted?" Ginny said disdainfully.

"Not because she waved at me!!" Defended Harry, "Because she's wearing an engagement ring!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Screamed Ginny and promptly fainted.

* * *

"Great, Harry! Just great!" Ron exclaimed, "Now look what you did." 

Harry sputtered.

"Yeah!" Chimed Hermione. "Really, you can be so insensitive at times!"

Harry sputtered again. "What did I do!?!? I didn't do one single bleeding thing! You're the ones who are the cause of all this! You and that bloody sparkley ring!"

"Oh, about that," Hermione said, "Listen Harry, Ron proposed to me in a mad passionate proclaimation of love, so…"

"We're running off to Vegas to get married." Ron said nonchalantly.

Harry sputtered.

"Well, gotta run!" Hermione gave Harry a quick hug.

"Bye, mate!" Ron slapped him on the back and off the two lovers went.

And Harry sputtered, screamed and then fainted.

* * *

A/N: I would like to say that I got the idea for this from the HMS OrangeCrush website. I got tired of the angst so I decided to do something silly!! Hope you enjoy. Also, I've been having severe issues with quickedit. Anyone out there that can help me? 


	2. Virgins, Dreams and Realization

**Chapter 2**

**They stood…and there was some staring involved.**

**"I think he took it rather well." said Hermione.**

**Ginny looked at Ron. Ron looked at Ginny. They both looked at Hermione. They all stared at Harry.**

**"Sure, my darling (insert sickeningly sweet pet names) dear. Of course he took it well." Ron patronized.**

**She smiled serenely and floated towards the stairwell. Then she hit her head on the doorframe and discovered the dangers of floating too high.**

**"You're going to Vegas? Without me!" Ginny addressed Ron.**

**"Yep."**

**"Wait…you realized you like Hermione?"**

**"Nope, just going to Vegas to elope with her."**

**"I see."**

**"Where?" Ron looks around, frantically.**

**forehead smack**

**Ron walks off in a daze. He absentmindedly follows Hermione's trail, head bump and all.**

**"Probably going off to have hot passionate sex." grumbled Ginny, pissed at the fact that she, currently, was not 'getting any.'**

**"Sex?" a groggy Harry said, well, groggily. He fainted again.**

**"What is with that boy?" Ginny wondered. "Perhaps he would feel better if he were in bed." she tried not to think of what she could do with an unconscious boy in a bed. Half-heartedly abandoning that train of thought, she tried to pick up Harry.**

**No such luck for Ginny.**

**"Damn!"**

**She thought. And thought. And grimaced because she heard thumping upstairs. And thought again.**

**"Ha!" Cried she and grabbed his foot and dragged him to his dormitory. Head bonking all the way.**

* * *

**Vegas: One Week Later**

**"So hiccough Her…Hermio hiccough Hermninee…" slurred Ron.**

**"Ron, you're drinking a virgin daquari."**

**"Her-whatsit! It isn't proper to say such things aloud." Ron looked somewhat violated. authoress salivates**

**"Oh my! How could I? I hope no one heard. How scandalous!"**

**Ron and Hermione were staying at the big pyramid in Vegas. Thankfully before they eloped, Ron realized his feelings. Now they were gambling, drinking whispers virgin end whisper drinks and having good, old-fashioned kinky time.**

* * *

**Back to Hogwarts zoom screeches to a halt before hitting the pole**

**Harry was convinced that he was dreaming. It is quite possible too, seeing how he has shown up for classes naked and has molested Mrs. Norris. Most people actually did believe that Harry was dreaming. This was unfortunate because Ginny was getting a headache from hitting her forehead in disbelief.**

**Once again Ginny tries to rouse the 'dreaming' Harry.**

**"Harry!" Ginny shakes him violently.**

**"What?" replied Harry.**

**She stopped. That was the first time he responded to her. "Harry, who am I?"**

**"Ginny, Queen of the Common Room."**

**"Right, now who are you?"**

**"I'm 'arry Pott'r"**

**"Good, now where are Ron and Hermione?"**

**"Having a kinky good time in the City of Sin." realization of what he just said dawned on him.**

**"THEY LEFT ME!" he cried.**

* * *

**A/N: See! I didn't abandon it. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.**

******henrietta-Black**: Thanks! Glad I can write comedy as well as extreme angst.

******Miss Effie**: Yeah, yeah I'll fix the typos…eventually. I know it's fast. It isn't like this is an AgiVega fic or anything. I do like your summary of the chappie though. Hope you like my pole reference. Lurve, Sweets.

******Sabine Strohem-Moss**: Yay! I made a funny.

******JerryGirl**: Totally stealing your idea! hugs Just for that I might protect from Tom and Gale for a week!


	3. A Statement

The following statement is not all that important:

I wanted to tell you all that I will not be changing either of my stories to fit canon. It would be silly and would mess up my plot.

If this information leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth, please tell me why said information bothers you.

Updates shall be posted within the month … hopefully.

That is all,

Moose

P.S. there might be some reposting, but it would only be for formatting purposes. That is, officially, all.


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